When “I Have To” Isn’t True: How Working Moms Absorb Responsibilities Without Choosing Them

This is something I've seen many times as a therapist, and it still shows up in ways that catch me off guard: most of what working moms do every day wasn't something they consciously chose. It's something that became theirs through absorption.

A mom once explained to me why she "has to" handle all the school emails. She'd been running this entire thing in her head about why it made sense for it to be her—her partner doesn't check regularly, things get missed, it becomes her problem anyway—and she genuinely believed she didn't have a choice.
Until she heard herself say it out loud and realized: nobody assigned this to her. She absorbed it. And once she absorbed it, it became indistinguishable from a requirement.

And absorption happens in forms you don't always see coming.

1. Roles through repetition: You did the grocery shopping once because it needed doing, then just happened again and again until it felt mandatory. Now it's just yours. 

2. Emotions through presence: Someone shares their stress, you listen, and hours later you're still carrying the heaviness of what they told you. Your nervous system picked it up like it's yours to solve, and now you're holding it even though it was never your emotion to begin with.

3. Standards through cultural osmosis: "I should be more patient." "A good mom would make this from scratch." "I can't say no to school events." These sound like facts, but nobody actually said them to you. You internalized expectations from nowhere traceable and now they're running your decisions.

4. Outcomes that require other people: The morning routine, whether family dinner happens, if everyone's on time—you're treating results that need others to cooperate as if they're yours alone to control. And when they don't work out, you absorb the blame even though you were never the only variable.

5. Reactions when capacity runs out: Snapping for no reason. Going silent when you're overwhelmed. Saying yes before your brain processes the question. These aren't choices you're making—they're what happens automatically when your system hits overload and reaction is all that's left.

I see moms come in thinking they have an anger problem or a communication issue or a time management gap. And what I'm actually seeing is someone who's been absorbing so much for so long that they can't tell the difference anymore between what they chose and what just became theirs.

So, What Do You Do?

What I walk moms through when they're in this position is a way to see what's chosen versus what's absorbed.

Absorption only works when it's invisible. Once you see it, you have authorship. And authorship is where choice becomes possible.

Step 1: The Absorption Check:

For one week, track what you're doing and ask: Did I choose this, or did it just become mine?

• When you say "I have to," pause and ask: Who said I have to? Or did I just assume?

• When you're holding someone's emotion, ask: Is this mine to solve, or am I just present for it?

• When you snap or shut down, ask: Is this a choice I'm making, or a reaction happening because I'm maxed out?

You're not tracking to fix it yet. You're tracking to see the difference between chosen and absorbed.

Step 2: The Authorship Question:

After doing step 1 for a few days and catching where you are choosing and where you are absorbing, ask yourself: If I were designing this from scratch, would I choose it this way?

Not "can I change it right now"—just "would I choose it?"

This reveals what's default versus deliberate without requiring action yet.

Would you choose to be the only one who tracks school emails? Probably not.
Would you choose to absorb everyone's stress? No.
Would you choose to follow the rule "I can't say no to school events"? Definitely not.
Would you choose to be solely responsible for outcomes that require others? Absolutely not.

Then Step three.

Step 3: The internalized rules audit:

Every time you notice an absorbed standard, write it down. "I should want to spend all my free time with my kids." "A good mom wouldn't need a break." "I can't disappoint anyone."

Then ask: Is this actually true, or is this just something I absorbed?

The practice isn't to immediately reject the rule—it's to see that it's not a fact. It's an absorption you've been treating as mandatory.

Step 4: The misplaced ownership sort

Look at outcomes you're holding yourself accountable for and ask these three questions: 

1. What's actually my part? 

2. What requires other people to succeed? 

3. Where am I absorbing blame for variables I don't control?

Take the morning routine example.

Your part: 

• Prep the night before.  

• Communicate expectations. 

• Be ready yourself.

Requires others: 

• Kid actually getting dressed. 

• Partner handling their tasks.

What you're absorbing: 

• Blame when it falls apart even though you did your part.

Separating your responsibility from the outcome means you can assess what was actually yours instead of treating the whole thing like your failure when it required cooperation you didn't get.

Step 4: The reaction recognition:

When you notice you're snapping, shutting down, or saying yes automatically, don't judge the reaction. Instead, see it as information for what you are struggling with. 

Ask: What's driving this? Usually: capacity is gone.

Recognize: This is what happens when absorption has maxed you out.

The shift is from "I'm a bad mom for snapping" to "I'm reacting because I'm in overload and my system is out of bandwidth."

That doesn't excuse harm if you've hurt someone. But it locates the problem accurately. Now you know it’s not a character flaw, but your conditions.

I'm not going to tell you that seeing absorption clearly makes it go away. It doesn't.

But when you see what's absorbed versus what's chosen, you stop blaming yourself for conditions you didn't create. And start seeing where choice actually exists.

Maybe you can't change that you're the default for certain tasks right now. But you can see that it's a default, not a mandate. And that clarity creates space for a different choice later—or at minimum, it stops you from treating it like a personal failing.

Maybe you can't prevent your nervous system from picking up someone else's emotional state. But you can notice when it happens and ask: is this mine to solve, or did I just absorb it? And that question alone starts to create separation between presence and absorption.

Maybe you can't immediately stop following internalized rules. But you can start seeing them as absorbed standards instead of facts. And once they're visible, they lose some of their automatic power.

I’m Going To Be Honest Here…

I'm still sitting with a question I don't have a straight answer to yet: How much absorption is inevitable when you're a working mom, and how much is optional but so normalized you can't see it?

Because some of it—being present for your kid's feelings, noticing what needs doing, caring about outcomes—that's not absorption, that's just being involved. And I don't want to suggest that every emotional response or sense of responsibility is a problem to eliminate.

But there's a line somewhere between being appropriately engaged and absorbing things that were never yours to hold. And I think most working moms crossed that line so long ago they don't know where it is anymore.

I don't have the map for where that line is in your specific life. But I know that once you start asking "Is this chosen or absorbed?" you start to see it more clearly.

And seeing it clearly is where authorship begins.

And By The Way…

If you're reading this and thinking, "I can see what I'm absorbing now—but I don't know how to stop," that's the gap most moms get stuck in. Seeing it clearly is step one. Knowing what to do about it when you're already maxed out and the structure hasn't changed—that's where it gets hard.

The Ambitious Mom Reset is a workbook I created that can help you with this gap. It walks you through how to identify what's default versus deliberate in your actual life, separate your part from outcomes that require others, recognize when you're reacting versus responding, and start making different choices in the places where choice actually exists—even when the conditions around you haven't shifted yet.

It's $27. It's designed for moms who can see the pattern clearly now but need practical tools to translate that clarity into something that actually changes how they operate day to day. And while this is just one of the many things it can help with, this alone makes it worth it. You can get it here if that's where you are.