Depleted Vs Unsupported: Why Rest Does Not Work For Working Moms
So, you actually did it. You rested. Got that 10 hours of sleep, stayed longer on the couch, did basically nothing for a full weekend. And for a minute there, it felt… okay. Maybe even good.
But then a few hours or days later, and it feels like you're right back where you started. Drained. Like the break never even happened.
And you wonder: What exactly is wrong with me? I just had a break. Why am I still so tired?
I’ll tell you exactly what’s happening, and honestly, it’s a relief once you hear it:
You’re not depleted. You’re unsupported.
Those are two completely different problems that require two completely different solutions.
Depleted vs. Unsupported
Depletion is actually pretty simple. Your tank is empty. You’re just… tired. For this, rest actually works. You sleep, recover, and bounce back. This is what most moms think is happening.
Unsupported is a whole different issue.
This is when you sleep 10 hours but wake up immediately thinking about what has to get done today. Rest doesn't feel like rest because you know the second you "wake up," the pile of work is still there. You can't afford to get sick because you're scared of everything falling apart, and when you do get sick, you're still managing everything.
Now this doesn't mean the people around you are incompetent, it just means you're the one holding all the infrastructure. And taking a break just gives you a moment to stop moving under the weight, it doesn't actually take the weight off your shoulders.
Let's talk about why "help" isn't helping
I know what you're thinking: "But I have help! My partner/mom/sitter does stuff!"
I believe you. But most of that "help" is what I call conditional help. It’s the kind of help that keeps you in the manager's seat.
Your partner says they’ll do bedtime, but then they text you three times asking where the pajamas are or if the toddler had a bath.
A family member watches the kids, but you spend an hour packing bags, writing out instructions, and then answering "quick questions" the whole time you're out.
Help that requires you to direct, decide, coordinate, remember, and answer questions the entire time is conditional. And it isn't actually taking anything off your plate, it's just changing the format of the work you're doing.
And often it's harder work than just doing it yourself. Which is why a lot of moms just stop asking and go back to doing everything.
What Chronic Overload does to your brain
Now here's something else that happens when you've been unsupported for a long time: your brain stops working the way it used to. Not in the usual “burnout makes you tired” brain numb, like it literally changes how it generates motivation, makes decisions, and wants things.
Nod your head if this sounds familiar:
The "I don't care" phase: You used to have goals and hobbies. Now, you can’t even pick a Netflix show or decide what’s for dinner. Deciding takes energy, and you have zero to spare.
The Scroll: You sit down to do something for yourself, but you just end up scrolling TikTok for an hour. Why? Because scrolling requires zero executive function. It's the only thing that doesn't ask anything of you.
The Flatline: You don't feel "excited" about much anymore. That’s your brain protecting you. Excitement is "expensive" energy-wise, so your brain just… unplugs the wire.
The "Time Debt" Reality
This is the part that really messes with your head. Why taking time off never actually works.
You see, when you’re unsupported, time off isn't a gift, it's a debt, and here's what I mean:
While you're resting, everything else is still moving. Emails are coming in. Tasks are piling up. Things that need you are waiting. And you know that when you come back, you're not just picking up where you left off—you're picking up everything that happened while you were gone PLUS everything you left behind.
You know that if you take Friday off, Monday is going to be twice as hard. So even when you’re "relaxing," you’re bracing. You can't settle into the moment because your brain is running a background check on everything that's currently piling up.
And then, people tell you to be more present which just makes things worse because it frames this as your problem. Like if you could just relax or let go or be more mindful, time would feel different.
But time doesn't feel different because you're anxious. Time feels different because you're operating in a structure where you can never actually disengage.
So... now what?
I’m not going to give you a "5-minute morning routine" because that’s just another thing for your to-do list. The problem is structural, not personal.
But, you can start shifting the weight.
Pick ONE thing to let die. Not five things. One. Look at your life and find something that is "drainable." Maybe you stop folding the kids' pajamas. Maybe you do a task at 70% instead of 100%. When that voice says "but I should," ask: Who said? And with what energy?
Call out "Conditional Help." Next time someone offers to help, try to move it from conditional to real. Instead of "Can you do dinner?" (which leads to questions), try: "I need you to own dinner. That means figuring out what to eat, making it, and cleaning it up. I’m checking out now."
Stop hating your brain. If you’re unmotivated or "lazy," stop beating yourself up. Your brain is just tired of carrying the world. It’ll come back online when the load lightens, but you can't shame it into working faster.
Reframe the problem. Every time you think "I can't handle this," change it to "The system I'm in provides zero backup." It moves the failure from your character to your circumstances.
What if you just tried one thing this week? Pick one tiny task to drop and just notice when the help you're getting feels like more work. You don't have to fix everything today. Just start seeing the weight for what it actually is.
