The Capacity Paradox: When Self-Care Feels Like One More Thing
Over the years, I've heard the same thing again and again from working moms in practice. It comes up in different contexts, with different specifics, but the core is always the same:
"I know what I should be doing. I just can't."
They know they should exercise more. Meal prep. Set boundaries. Go to bed earlier. Take time for themselves.
They've read articles, listened to podcasts, saved Instagram posts, and even reflected on advice like “you can't pour from an empty cup”... but for some reason, they still can't do it.
Not because they don't want to, or because they're not trying, but because traditional self-care advice itself requires something they have run out of: Capacity.
The Paradox No One Talks About
A mom is absolutely red-lining. She’s exhausted, overstimulated, and basically running on caffeine and pure spite.
Someone (with good intentions) suggests self-care. "Have you tried journaling? Meditation? A morning walk?"
And that mom is sitting there thinking, I can barely remember to move the laundry to the dryer. How on earth am I supposed to add a new 'practice' to my life?
But she doesn’t say that. Instead, she feels like a failure for not being able to do "basic" self-care. So, she buys the expensive planner, sets the alarm for 5:30, and lasts... maybe another three days? Four if she’s lucky. Then it all falls apart again, and now she’s not just tired—she’s also guilty.
I call this the Capacity Paradox. It’s like telling a person who is currently drowning that they really should work on their backstroke. I mean, sure, swimming is great. But right now? It's functionally useless.
Why Traditional Self-Care Fails When You're Maxed Out
Let me be absolutely clear about something:
Self-care isn't the villain here.
The problem is that most advice assumes you have a "baseline" amount of energy to get started. But when you’re at your limit, you simply don't.
Here’s why your brain is fighting you:
1. It’s a massive "Executive Function" drain.
"Starting a morning routine" sounds like one task. But in reality, it's actually like five. You have to decide what to do, figure out the timing, force yourself out of bed, do the thing, and then fix it when it goes wrong. That’s a lot of "brain power" (or executive function) that you hardly even have enough of to keep the kids alive and your job intact.
2. It’s always an "Add-On."
The world says, "Keep doing everything you’re doing, BUT ALSO do this." So your plate is not just full; but things are also sliding off the edges. Adding a "good" thing to a full plate still makes a mess.
When someone suggests "one more thing" to manage, it feels like a threat, not a treat.
3. It ignores reality.
"Take 20 minutes for yourself." Cool. When? Before the kids wake up? (You need sleep.) During lunch? (You're working.) After bedtime? (You have work to finish and can barely keep your eyes open.) The advice assumes you have 20 minutes of "free time" just sitting in your pocket. You don't.
And even if you carved out the time, you'd probably spend it thinking about what you're not doing. Because taking time for yourself when everything else is undone doesn't feel restorative. It feels stressful.
This isn't a failure of willpower. It's a mismatch between the advice and your actual conditions.
The Beliefs You're Probably Carrying
When self-care advice doesn't work, here's what most working moms think:
"I'm just not disciplined enough."
No. Discipline doesn't create capacity. It helps you follow through when you have capacity.
If you're already operating at your limit, no amount of discipline will magically generate bandwidth.
"Other moms seem to make time for themselves. I should be able to too."
Maybe those moms have more support. Different jobs, different family structures, or different standards. Or maybe they're struggling too and just not showing it.
You can't see someone else's capacity from the outside. Comparison doesn't account for condition.
"If I really wanted it, I'd make it happen."
This assumes that your only barrier is desire. But wanting something doesn't remove structural constraints.
You can desperately want a morning walk and still not have a safe way to do it before your partner leaves for work and the kids wake up. Wanting it doesn't change your actual conditions.
The Reframe: Add-On vs. Replace Solutions
This is the shift that changes everything.
Most self-care advice is add-on advice: Do this in addition to everything else.
But when you're at capacity, what you actually need is replace advice: Do this instead of something else.
Or better yet: reduction advice: Stop doing this altogether.
Let me show you the difference.
1.
Add-On Solution: "Start journaling for 10 minutes every morning."
Replace Solution: "Instead of scrolling on your phone before bed, spend 10 minutes writing down what's on your mind."
Reduction Solution: "Stop trying to respond to every email the same day. Let some things wait."
2.
Add-On: "Start journaling for 10 minutes." (More work).
Replace: "Instead of scrolling TikTok for 10 minutes, just stare at the wall or write a note." (Same time, different use).
Reduction: "Stop folding the kids' pajamas. Just throw them in the drawer." (Creates actual space).
See the difference?
The Add-on requires new capacity.
The Replace uses existing capacity differently.
The Reduction creates capacity by removing demand.
When you're already maxed out, Reduction is the most effective intervention.
How to Identify What's Drainable vs. Non-Negotiable
Here's the exercise I walk through with working moms:
Step 1: Brain dump everything you're currently doing or tracking.
Not just tasks. Everything.
Work responsibilities, household tasks, mental tracking (school schedules, appointments, meal planning), emotional labor (checking in on family, managing relationships). Everything.
Don't organize it. Just get it out.
Step 2: Mark what's truly non-negotiable.
Non-negotiable means: If I don't do this, there are immediate, significant consequences that I'm not willing to accept.
Examples:
Feeding your kids (non-negotiable)
Showing up to work (probably non-negotiable)
Keeping the house Instagram-ready (negotiable)
Responding to every text within 24 hours (negotiable)
Most working moms mark way too many things as non-negotiable. Because we've been conditioned to believe that letting anything slide means we're failing.
But the reality is, not everything that feels urgent is actually necessary.
Step 3: Identify what you could stop, reduce, or delegate.
Look at what's left. Ask:
What could I stop doing entirely? (Even temporarily.)
What could I do at 70% instead of 100%?
What could someone else do—even if they'd do it differently than I would?
What could I do less frequently?
You're not lowering your standards, you're accurately assessing what's sustainable.
Step 4: Pick ONE thing to remove this week.
Not five things. Just one thing to drop, even if it's only this week.
Real Examples of What "One Less Thing" Can Look Like
Example 1: The Meal Planning Trap
A mom spends hours every week meal planning.
She was exhausted. And made this her "one less thing.”
She created a list of 7 meals her family would eat without complaint, and rotates through them – same grocery list every week.
Is it boring? Yes.
Is it sustainable? Also yes.
Example 2: The Email Overload
A mom tries to respond to every email—work, school, extracurriculars—within 24 hours.
This made her feel like she was always behind.
Her "one less thing": She stopped responding to non-urgent emails immediately.
She checks email twice a day. If it's not urgent, it waits.
Some things resolve themselves. Some people follow up. The world doesn't end.
Example 3: The "Assign and Step Back" Strategy
A mom starts assigning tasks to her husband without micromanaging the outcome.
"Can you handle dinner tonight?"
He asks: "What should I make?"
Her new response: "Whatever you want. I trust you to figure it out."
Is the dinner what she would have made?
No.
Does it remove decision-making from her plate?
Yes.
What About When You Can't Remove Anything?
I know some of you are reading this thinking: I can't remove anything. It's all non-negotiable.
If that's true, here's what I want you to consider:
You might not be able to change what you're doing. But you might be able to change how you're thinking about it.
Not in a "positive outlook” way, but in a "stop adding mental labor on top of the actual labor" way.
For example:
You can't stop making dinner. But you can stop judging yourself for what dinner is.
Cereal counts. Rotisserie chicken counts. Frozen pizza counts.
You can't stop working. But you can stop trying to be the version of yourself who responds to every email instantly and attends every optional meeting.
You can't stop managing the household. But you can stop trying to keep it to a standard that requires more time and energy than you have.
The mental load of "I should be doing this better" is a form of load you can reduce.
And sometimes, that's where you start.
When You Need More Than Permission to Do Less
Understanding the Capacity Paradox helps.
Knowing that you're not failing, you're just full, shifts you out of self-blame.
But understanding alone doesn't reduce the load. And permission to do less doesn't tell you how to actually implement it in your specific life.
If you're reading this and thinking: Yes, I need to do less—but I don't know how to figure out what or how to make it sustainable, that's where structured support comes in.
My Ambitious Reset Self-Care guide is designed specifically for working moms navigating this exact paradox.
It will help you:
Accurately identify what's actually drainable in your specific life
Reduce cognitive and logistical load in ways that fit your real constraints
Shift from "doing it all" to "doing what's sustainable"
Stop operating from self-blame and start operating from context-awareness
And more.
This isn't a guide on productivity or time management.
It's therapist-guided support for women who know they need to do less—but need help figuring out what that actually looks like in practice.
If that's you, you can learn more here.
Your Only Assignment This Week
I'm not going to tell you to start a new habit or add one more practice to your routine.
Instead, I'm giving you permission to do the opposite:
Remove one thing this week.
Just one.
It can be small:
Stop folding the bath towels
Let the kids wear mismatched socks
Order takeout instead of cooking
Skip one non-essential meeting
Stop trying to keep up with a group text
Or it can be bigger:
Quit the committee you've been dreading
Stop hosting the thing you don't want to host
Let go of the standard you've been holding that's exhausting you
You don't have to announce or explain it.
Just stop doing it.
And when the voice in your head says, "But I should…"
Ask yourself: Says who? And based on what capacity?
Remember, self-care isn't always about adding something nourishing. Sometimes, the most nourishing thing you can do is just stop.
